Jokes for Helen

[Hamilton Felix]

I was going to change all of these to Oklahoma, just for you, Helen. But I decided to leave 'em just the way a friend passed them to me -- complete with the "fellow Okie" remark.





***I swear I didn't insert "Arkansas" in these....they came to me this way....(from a fellow Okie, of course!!)

Redneck truths.

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if a Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come'on
this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert near took
out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss,
too. Both books - poof! up in flames, and they hadn't even
finished coloring one of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . . . When a couple gets
divorced they are STILL cousins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the Arkansas driver what
gear he was in at the moment of impact.
He replied, "tractor hat and camouflage hunting outfit"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Folks in Arkansas now go to movies in groups of 18.They were told
"17 and under are not admitted".


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Arkansas man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No ya dummy" the man
shouted, "This is her husband!"

 

[gunboat]

good ones

 

[Copter Doctor]

Love 'em!

 

[SageTheRage]

These are great!! Can't wait to read Helen's reply!....so where are you dear?

 

[booger]

While not Helen (I could only hope to be worthy of shining Helen's shoes), I am an Okie and I can verify that these are all, indeed, true and factual statements about the Arkansas "people".

 

[Hamilton Felix]

LOL! Helen's an Okie, too. What makes you sure she has shoes? Sorry, Helen, couldn't resist. Come see us, Helen, we're just hanging around, waiting for you.

 

[Hamilton Felix]

So booger and Helen are both Okies? Let me guess, you two gals are out somewhere tonight, just hanging out together.

 

[Hamilton Felix]

And now for something completely different...

I hope this isn't happening in your neck of the woods (or solar system). Ivan was bad enough...

 

[booger]

So booger and Helen are both Okies? Let me guess, you two gals are out somewhere tonight, just hanging out together.

No, no, no, my dear Hamilton. The one on the right may indeed be Helen. You'd have to ask her. The one on the left, though, is my unhealthy, fat twin sister. I am far more sculpted. Breathtaking, really.

(Is my nose growing yet?)

 

[Hamilton Felix]

LOL! Since you are a Lady I will, of course, take your word for it.

 

[Hamilton Felix]

Since Helen is an Okie, do we get to pick on them here???


Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?
A: Carry-Oakies


Three guys and a Genie

Three guys, a Nebraskan, a Texan and an Okie are out walking Together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie Pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's
three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Nebraskan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for farming.

The Texan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Texas, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Texas.

The Okie asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out."

The Okie says, "Fill it up with water."



This joke is better heard in person, but if you imagine the Okie (Oklahoman) is talking in a heavy hick accent, it makes it better.

An Okie graduates from high school with extremely high grades and is admitted into Harvard. On his first day on campus, he is walking around looking for the library. He sees a pompous little professor walking across campus.

The Okie stops him and says, "Could yah tell me where the library is at?" The little professor looks at him and says, "Here at Harvard, we do not end our sentences in prepositions. Now say it right."

The Okie thinks for a second and says, "Okay, could yah tell me where the library is at, asshole?"