MAKE ME LAUGH!

RememberGoliad

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Oklahoma when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station and drops his car off to be looked at.

To kill time, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Oklahoma, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Jesus died between two thieves.

As an aged man lay dying in the hospital, he summoned his nurse. "Would you call my lawyer and my congressman right away?" he requested. Within a half hour the man's congressman and his attorney were at his side. The man's breathing was labored by this time, but he remained silent the attorney spoke, "What did you need us for?" The reply came momentarily, "Nothing," he said. "I have heard Jesus died between two thieves," he continued. "Wanted to know what it felt like."
 
RememberGoliad

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
"My landlord wants to talk about the high heating bills. I told him my door is always open."
"Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't."
"I bought a fake koi fish... It's my dekoi."
"Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a low ha state."
"When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination."
"I think my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns."
"I got booted from the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt."
"Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing."
"I wanted to marry a carbon 14 expert, but all she wanted to do was date."
"It doesn't make any cents but volunteering is rewarding." It's true.
"Being in debt attracts a lot of interest from bankers."
"I wear memory foam insoles to remember why I walked into the next room,"
"I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones I'm getting lately."
"Swarms of flying insects threaten town! Police deploy the swat team."
"Women's roofing expo this weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there."
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? A stick."
"Larva was a great band before the Beatles emerged."
"Ants never get sick because they have little anty bodies."
"Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?"
"Please cancel my subscription to your issues."
"My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a get well soon card."
"If you wear a sweater and sweat are you the sweater?"
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
RememberGoliad

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
"My landlord wants to talk about the high heating bills. I told him my door is always open."
"Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't."
"I bought a fake koi fish... It's my dekoi."
"Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a low ha state."
"When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination."
"I think my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns."
"I got booted from the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt."
"Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing."
"I wanted to marry a carbon 14 expert, but all she wanted to do was date."
"It doesn't make any cents but volunteering is rewarding." It's true.
"Being in debt attracts a lot of interest from bankers."
"I wear memory foam insoles to remember why I walked into the next room,"
"I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones I'm getting lately."
"Swarms of flying insects threaten town! Police deploy the swat team."
"Women's roofing expo this weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there."
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? A stick."
"Larva was a great band before the Beatles emerged."
"Ants never get sick because they have little anty bodies."
"Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?"
"Please cancel my subscription to your issues."
"My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a get well soon card."
"If you wear a sweater and sweat are you the sweater?"
Click to expand...
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A restaurant has a challenge: We Will Give $500 To Any Customer Whose Order We Cannot Fill. One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread. She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's people shouting, swearing, pots and pans banging. A few minutes later, the manager comes out with $500 in hand. "You really got us" he says "this is the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread".
 
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