MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway, and he started chasing after the speeder. When he got close, he saw that it was a woman who was knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

She shouted back, "No, it's a sweater!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Plowing with a mule

A salesman was driving down a country road when he spotted a farmer plowing with a mule.

Thinking to himself ,"you don't see this anymore" , he stopped to watch.

While he was watching, the farmer stopped the mule walked up behind it and raised the mules tail and kissed it's ass.

The salesman bolted from his car , climbed the fence and asked the farmer what he did that for?

The farmer replied, "chapped lips!"

The salesman said , "that won't cure chapped lips".

The farmer said, I know that , but it keeps me from licking them
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Little Johnny Meets the President of the United States

Lil' Johnny Meets Barack

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it probably wasn't an accident either."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.

When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,

'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

‘OK’ the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I went to see that Obama Movie yesterday.

Couldn't remember the name.

So I watched 30 minutes of Resident Evil before I realized I was in the wrong theater.

Resident Evil. The title sounded right.
 

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend."I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over."

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up in the horses butt, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapths I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
 

Bardou

Veteran Member
684d455cbf701edc8c95d194fe04d435.jpg
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An American, Canadian and a Russian are on the top of a skyscraper after having a couple drinks. The American says to the Russian; The winds here in Chicago are so powerfull you can jump of this building and about halfway down spread your arms and you will come right back up here. The Russian Doesn't believe it and asks him to demonstrate, and to his disbelief it works perfectly. The Russian, trying not to look scared, does it, and falls to his death on the sidewalk. The Canadian looks down and says...














Superman, you really are a **** when you're drunk.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. "He would have been 18'', she whispers.


"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''


''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.




After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .


"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which
part of your body goes first?’

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your
feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now,
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God!
I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.’

The Nun fainted!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The heart attack !

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack.

The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E. R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, 'Im afraid that your uncles brain is gone, but his heart is still beating.'

'Oh, dear,' cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, 'We’ve never had a Democrat in the family before'
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Aisle Seat


Two Arab radicals boarded a flight out of
London. One took a window seat and the other sat
next to him in the middle seat...

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the
aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his
shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling
in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to
get up and get a coke.

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle
seat, 'I'll get it for you.

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other
Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one,
too.

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While
he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines
other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had
happened.

'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked.

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?


This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes;

and pi$$ing in Cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINE
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Why men are happier!

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one
is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them..
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness..
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife..
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Liberal teacher meets her match

The teacher asked the class while raising her hand, "who here is a Bernie Sanders supporter"?

The kids all wanting to please the teacher raised their hands, except for little Johnny AGAIN.

Teacher asked little Johnny why he didn't support Bernie. Little Johnny said "because I am a conservative".

Teacher asked him, "why are you a conservative Johnny"?

Johnny said "because my mom is a conservative and my dad is a conservative".

Teacher asked little Johnny, "if your mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you"?

Little Johnny said "a Bernie Sanders supporter".
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
FOUR OLD RETIRED GUYS



Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona...

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL
drinks 10 cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to
be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered
a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken,
not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other.

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish
their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can
stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less
than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender said, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125
million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a
dime...wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in
front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were
there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Florida.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
DONATING CLOTHING

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to kiss my butt.

Anybody who fits into my clothes definitely ain't starving.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A BOTTLE OF WINE


I was just leaving Flagstaff when I saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.


As the trip was a long and quiet one, I stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. I asked and she told me she was going to Gun Barrel City. I resumed the journey and tried, in vain, to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to me.


"What in bag?" asked the old woman.


I looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."



The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Three blondes go into a bar, sit down at a table and order 3 drinks. Upon receiving their drinks, they toast each other and shout "90 Days" and they drink down their drinks.

They tell the bartender to bring them another round. They toast again and shout "90 Days" again and drink their drinks.

They tell the bartender to bring them another round. The bartender says, "You gals look like your celebrating something. What is it that you're celebrating?"

One of the blondes says, "We have been working on a jigsaw puzzle and it says 3 to 5 years on the box and it only took us, "90 Days!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man.

“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. And how did you die?” he asks the first man.

“I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Pamela, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, “I’m sorry to say this, son, but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don’t tell your mother.”

The young man was upset, but then he brought up 3 more names to his father. Unfortunately, the response was always the same. So he decides to go to his mother.

“Mama, I want to get married, but according to dad, all the girls that I love, are my sisters. He said I mustn’t tell you, but I don’t know what to do.”

His mother smiling said to him, “Don’t worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. They’re not your sisters because you’re not his son.”



Stihl MS 460 Magnum 28" and 32"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, turned around and looking at an older lady down one aisle said, “Grandma is paying today.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line: “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The theater erupted, the audience screamed with laughter and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked.

“No!” the director screamed, “You forgot the bloody rose!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says, “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
Carlos says, “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, “Well what was that for?”

He says, “Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!”

She doesn’t reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, “Well what was that for?”

She says, “That’s for knowing the difference!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You are wrong. That’s not the moon; that’s the sun!”

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
At a church service, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of the congregation about his Christian faith.

“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church service that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God’s work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”

When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence. As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, “I dare you to do it again.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

“Yes,” says the receptionist irritably.

“Excuse me,” says the woman, “but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out very quickly, please?”

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. “Not bad,” he smiles, “not bad at all.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”
 
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