MAKE ME LAUGH!

O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old
farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new
road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State
Government to go where I want.
See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining
on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Union Rules & Hookers----

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
!
We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into
bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He
touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time
before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife
on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we... ?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Follow your dreams

Gaylord Maxwell: follow your RV dream

Gaylord Maxwell, author, lecturer and founder of Life On Wheels, died Sept. 20, 2008. Here is Gaylord at his best, advising an audience at Life on Wheels to follow their dreams, and not waste any time doing it. This lecture, which Gaylord presented many times, inspired many RVers to take up the full-time RV lifestyle

Run time 2:00 m

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9B9H3-6pOU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9B9H3-6pOU
 
O

Old Goat

Contributing Member
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new internet based toilet app for your cell phone that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
All you have to do is attach it to your toilet, pair it with your phone, give it a urine sample in the normal way, it swipes $10BTC, then the app will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he downloaded the Internet toilet app, deposited the urine, his cell phone began to go boop beep boop beep and the green light flashed on and off.
After a short pause, text came which said:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

After paying for his diagnosis, he began to suspect fraud.

To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all of, he masturbated into the jar.
He poured this concoction in the toilet.
The internet toilet app went through the same flashing routine as before then texted the following message:



Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year's submissions:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama. It will be named the “Union Worker”.

It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh............










"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Grandparents

Thought you'd get a chuckle out of some of these!



1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

"Who was THAT?"


4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A Republican, who is in a wheelchair, enters a diner. He notices a man dressed strangely at the end of the counter. He asked the waitress who the man was and the waitress replied it was Jesus . The man instructs the waitress to give Jesus a cup of coffee and that he would pay for it .

A while later a libertarian with a severe hunchback walks in and sits down and notices the strangely dressed man. He also asked the waitress who that was and was informed that it was indeed Jesus. He instructs the waitress to give the man a cup of tea and he would pay for.

A Democrat with a severe limp walks in and also noticed the strange looking man. He also asked the waitress who he was and was informed that it was Jesus. He instructs the waitress to give the man a glass of wine and he would pay for it.

After Jesus finished his beverages, he got up and walked up to the Republican and thanked him for the cup of coffee. He then touched the man, and he was healed immediately and could walk without the wheelchair.

Jesus then went up to the libertarian also thanked him for the cup of tea. He touched him and his hunchback disappeared.

Next, Jesus walked up to the Democrat, thanked him for the glass of wine, and the man jumped back and cried out, "Don't touch me!!!! I'm receiving disability!!!"
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
BEAUTIFUL TRUE CHRISTMAS STORY!

This is an awesome story.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
If this doesn't moisten your eyes, nothing will.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt83CS1DxGI

Run Time 5:13 M

Premiered Dec 14, 2018
There are some stories that truly speak to the heart and retired Ohio State Trooper Bob Welsh’s touching poem, “My Christmas Eve”, is certainly one of them. With his permission, we had the honor of recreating his poem (original can be found here- https://chp.click/bobwelsh).

 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Worlds six best doctors

The Worlds six best doctors....worth reading twice.......

Steve Jobs Died a billionaire at age 56. This is his final essay:
"I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In some others'
eyes, my life is the epitome of success. However, aside from work, I have
little joy. In the end, my wealth is only a fact of life that I am
accustomed to. At this moment, lying on my bed and recalling my life, I
realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in
have paled and become meaningless in the face of my death.


You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you
cannot have someone bear your sickness for you. Material things lost can
be found or replaced. But there is one thing that can never be found when
it's lost - Life. Whichever stage in life you are in right now, with time,
you will face the day when the curtain comes down.

Treasure love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends.
Treat yourself well and cherish others. As we grow older, and hopefully
wiser, we realize that a $300 or a $30 watch both tell the same time. You
will realize that your true inner happiness does not come from the material
things of this world. Whether you fly first class or economy, if the plane
goes down - you go down with it.

Therefore, I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old
friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with,
have sing songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth,
that is true happiness! Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate
them to be happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things
and not the price. Eat your food as your medicine, otherwise you have to
eat medicine as your food.

The One who loves you will never leave you for another because, even if
there are 100 reasons to give up, he or she will find a reason to hold on.
There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a
few really understand it. You are loved when you are born. You will be
loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!"

"The six best doctors in the world are sunlight, rest, exercise, diet,
self-confidence and friends. Maintain them in all stages and enjoy a
healthy life."

 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Wooden Bowl


I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
'We must do something about father,' said the son.
'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
My wife and I are returning from church when I see the dreaded red and blue flashing lights in the rear view mirror.
Cop comes up to the window and asks for license and registration which I had ready and gave it to him.
He looks at the documents for a moment and then says "Sir did you know your tail light is out". Before I could come up with an excuse my wife says "I told you to fix that light two months ago"
After a pause the cop says "Sir did you know your license expired 3 months ago. My wife immediately says "I told you to renew your license 4 months ago". I turn to my wife and say, "Will you shut up". The cop leans in the window and asks my wife "Mam, does he always talk to you like that". My wife responds, "only when he's been drinking
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
3 Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.


1st Hillbilly: “My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.”

2nd Hillbilly: “Why is that stupid?”

1st Hillbilly: “”We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”

2nd Hillbilly: “That’s nothin’ My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin’ machines!”

1st Hillbilly: “Why is that so stupid?”

2nd Hillbilly: “Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”

3rd Hillbilly: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! … I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar. ”

1st and 2nd Hillbillies : “Well what’s so dumb about that?”


3rd Hillbilly: “She ain’t got no pecker!”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.

The first one says, “I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.”

“No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is.” replies the other man.

The first one suggests “Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too.”

The other man replies, “Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?”

“Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.

“I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow Buddy and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I’ll give you fifty bucks.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Buddy.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks: “So, Buddy, how was your day?”

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo Buddy! The second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him Maalox, sir.” says Buddy.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the Doctor.

“Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She lies down on the table and shouts: Help me – I haven’t seen a man in over two years.”

“Lard Tunderin’ Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”

“I put drops in her eyes!!”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"
 
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