MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
"Common sense will tell us, that the power which hath endeavored to subdue us is of all others, the most improper to defend us. Conquest May be effected under the pretense of friendship. And ourselves, after a long and brave resistance, be at last cheated into slavery."


--Thomas Paine
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
"He, who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do

It a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he

Tells lies without attending to it, and truth without the world's

Believing him. This falsehood of the tongue leads to that of the

Heart, and in time depraves all its good disposition."



--Thomas Jefferson
 

Outlaw-16

Contributing Member
A simple way to check your health

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather - diabetes

If you pee on your feet - prostate

If it smells like a barbecue - cholesterol

If when you shake it, your wrist hurts - osteoarthritis

If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants - Alzheimer’s
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I move down just three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches, I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking. “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches that fish will jump for the fly… and I will grab him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.

“Gosh,” he thought , “if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… the bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of the lake, but I can tell you there’s more… A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop the cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene – as it was fashionable to roam the banks of this particular lake around lunch time- and thought “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with that cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of water.

The fish swallows the fly… the bear grabs the fish… the hunter shoots the bear… the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… the cat jumps for the mouse… the mouse ducks… the cat falls into the water and drowns.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pu**y is in serious danger.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
How to get rid of telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.

The first one says, “I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.”

“No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is.” replies the other man.

The first one suggests “Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too.”

The other man replies, “Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?”

“Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Subject: Family Tree

"I sent that 'Ancestry' site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of Seeds, and suggested that I just start Over"
 
Top