MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
"Common sense will tell us, that the power which hath endeavored to subdue us is of all others, the most improper to defend us. Conquest May be effected under the pretense of friendship. And ourselves, after a long and brave resistance, be at last cheated into slavery."


--Thomas Paine
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
"He, who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do

It a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he

Tells lies without attending to it, and truth without the world's

Believing him. This falsehood of the tongue leads to that of the

Heart, and in time depraves all its good disposition."



--Thomas Jefferson
 

Outlaw-16

Contributing Member
A simple way to check your health

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather - diabetes

If you pee on your feet - prostate

If it smells like a barbecue - cholesterol

If when you shake it, your wrist hurts - osteoarthritis

If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants - Alzheimer’s
 
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