MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
"Common sense will tell us, that the power which hath endeavored to subdue us is of all others, the most improper to defend us. Conquest May be effected under the pretense of friendship. And ourselves, after a long and brave resistance, be at last cheated into slavery."


--Thomas Paine
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
"He, who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do

It a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he

Tells lies without attending to it, and truth without the world's

Believing him. This falsehood of the tongue leads to that of the

Heart, and in time depraves all its good disposition."



--Thomas Jefferson
 

Outlaw-16

Contributing Member
A simple way to check your health

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather - diabetes

If you pee on your feet - prostate

If it smells like a barbecue - cholesterol

If when you shake it, your wrist hurts - osteoarthritis

If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants - Alzheimer’s
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I move down just three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches, I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking. “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches that fish will jump for the fly… and I will grab him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.

“Gosh,” he thought , “if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… the bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of the lake, but I can tell you there’s more… A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop the cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene – as it was fashionable to roam the banks of this particular lake around lunch time- and thought “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with that cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of water.

The fish swallows the fly… the bear grabs the fish… the hunter shoots the bear… the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… the cat jumps for the mouse… the mouse ducks… the cat falls into the water and drowns.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pu**y is in serious danger.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
How to get rid of telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.

The first one says, “I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.”

“No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is.” replies the other man.

The first one suggests “Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too.”

The other man replies, “Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?”

“Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Subject: Family Tree

"I sent that 'Ancestry' site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of Seeds, and suggested that I just start Over"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his fortnightly check and says “Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I’d much rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll drive her around in his Mercedes or his Rolls. You’ll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, and you’ll have to satisfy all of her needs. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year”

The guy says, “You’re joking me!”

The social worker says, “Yeah, but you started it”.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for gonorrhea. We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A 350# woman, foul as the day is long, walks in to Walmart screaming profanity at her 2 children. The greeter says: "Welcome to walmart. Those are some lovely children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman replies: "What the f**k makes you think they are twins? The boy is 12 and the girl is 7" The greeter in hushed tones says: "I really did not think you could have gotten laid more than once."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk. She goes to her mother and asks, "Mom may I take Betsy for a walk around the block". The mother replies, "No dear, she is in heat". The little girl asks, "Mommy what does in heat mean?" To which the mother replies, "Go ask your father". The little girl goes out to the garage and asks, "Daddy can I take Betsy for a walk around the block". The dad pauses for a second, then says, "Bring Betsy over here". He gets a rag, soaks it in gas and rubs it all across the dogs back to mask the scent. He says,"Okay now you can take Betsy for a walk". About 20 minutes later the little girl comes walking back with an empty leash. "Where is Betsy", the father asks? The little girl replied, "Oh, she ran out of gas about half way around the block so another dog is pushing her home".
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click ..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
 
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