[Humor] If architects worked like programmers

Dennis Olson

Chief Curmudgeon
_______________
Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential home-buyers in my area that they like the features this house has.

I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor build last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as interesting a project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon a possible if this is the case.
 

OddOne

< Yes, I do look like that.
Yes. That's EXACTLY what it's like to be engineering a custom-software project. :D

O d d O n e, who happens to be a software developer.
 

Synap

Deceased
The tag of this topic is mislabeled..this IS NOT humor.

Addendum: Each inhabitant demands access to all the construction tools so as to be able to reconfigure the house on the fly at whim without affecting function. Oh..almost forgot, it must be self-repairing.
 

Sysman

Old Geek <:)=
Reminds me of:

If the automobile industry kept pace with the computer industry, a Rolls Royce would cost $1.99, and get 100,000 miles to the gallon... :)
 

Dennis Olson

Chief Curmudgeon
_______________
Yeah, I know this isn't really "humor". It'd be a LOT funnier if it weren't the exact truth.

;) :rolleyes: :eek: :kk1:
 

ALF

Membership Revoked
Sysman

You forgot that the car would also stop working or crash for no apparent reason, sometimes several times a day.

Snicker:D
 
Hehe...sounds a lot like the magic hedge everyone wants.

An old landscaping joke goes something like this: a surgeon buries his mistakes, an architect plants vines.

What does a programmer do?
 

Kris Gandillon

The Other Curmudgeon
_______________
Dennis:

Back in my Analysis/DevelopmentProject Management days I carried at least 10 copies of this very document in my notebook at all times and distributed them at project meetings more than once.

It was perfect for putting things in perspective, added some necessary levity and even served to calm down tense situations more than once.

Yes, it **is** humorous but there is a ton of truth there as well.

Those who have ever been on either side of that table know exactly what I mean.

I don't know where or when it originated but I had it back in the early 80's.

KrisG
 

Tweakette

Irrelevant
You forgot to add this:

"And Mr. Architect, I expect you to be on call 24x7 for any issues having to do with the house, including such items as stuck windows, spiders in the corners, repairing holes my kids put in the walls, hanging curtain rods, and correcting poor paint colors that I chose.

And if I need these items addressed at 3 in the AM on Christmas Day then I expect you to be available and fix the issue in under 15 minutes".

Been there, done that ::sigh::

Tweak
 

sally

Inactive
Did I miss the part about "all appliances must be so well designed that a 3 year old can use them without manuals"

Sally
 

vikan

Inactive
Bump. It applies to other things too. We just had a high muck a muck give us some really vague requirements for an Enterprise telecom network. Now we gotta go and work up about 50 different options. All because he wants to make a name for himself and get a promotion. Looks good, sound good, but hasn't a clue.
 

jlee

Inactive
Quoting vikan:

All because he wants to make a name for himself and get a promotion. Looks good, sound good, but hasn't a clue.

Oh wow, is that ever true.

First they get hired at twice what they're worth. Then they make your life hell. Then they get lauded and promoted.

Then they leave for more money somewhere else! [Or -- because sometimes there is justice in the world -- because the administration discovered "there's no there there" and told them it was time to find a position somewhere else soon.]

In any case, we get stuck with cleaning up their mess.

In thirty years with the same organization, I have seen a lot of this....
 
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