Voortrekker
Veteran Member
JAFCS: Just Another F*ck*ng Christmas Story Rated PG-21
This production has the approval and support of Dennis Olson (he's standing behind me, isn't he?)
Ext. Big City United States Court--Day
Inter. Courtroom:
Plaintiff Lawyers for Little Billy, All Criminals Love Us and Any Communist Liberation Unit.
Defendant Lawyer: Counselor Dweeb.
Presiding Magistrate LeBeral.
Your honor, all Little Billy wanted for Christmas was a child safe burning cross, (she lights cross and tips it over, fire goes out) and a Negroe Swinging From a Tree Doll. And what did Little Billy find on Christmas morning? A stocking full of coal! And coal is, if it pleases the Court, a fossil fuel green house gas producing gross pollutant contributing to high carbon emissions and global warming.
And who put this in the hands of a minor? (pointing towards the man with the white beard in the Red Suit) Santa Claus!
Counselor Dweeb slinking underneath his table.
Second ACLU lawyer, coughing into his hands, "twenty two million dollars."
Judge LeBeral ruling in favor of the plaintiffs.
Woman in pews, "Bomb them! Bomb them!"
Man in pews hands rapidly moving up and down in front of himself, bucking back and forth shouting, "carbon credits, carbon tax!"
Judge Leberal: Al! We're in public!
EXT SANTA LAND--DAY
Mike Walrus of the One Hour Show doing a hit piece on Santa Land.
"What is this controversy in Santa Land? Is it lack of affirmative action? Lack of collective bargaining? No, they're smoking cigarettes."
INT. Santa Land--DAY
Santa Claus speaking with supervisor Elves in his office, his secretary Helga Vixenburg, a Nordic buxxy blonde is nearby. Mike Walrus news team are standing by. Discussion is production quality and elf labor absenteeism.
Claxon sounding off. P.A. System: "Alert! Madeleine O'Hare Brigade making an amphibious assault!" "All elves to battle stations."
EXT. Battle Ground--Day
All elves are in their "battle rattle" and preparing to repel a full scale amphibious invasion. The assault begins and the elves engage in heavy machine gun fire and hand to hand combat. They repel the invasion, the Madeline O'Hare Brigade has been broken and devastated, they withdrawal to never return.
Battle assessments. Several docks have been destroyed and one casualty, "...they got Jorgensen."
Back in Santa Land the elves are walking along a corridor in one direction, Helga is moving in the other direction, as the elves pass Helga they have a tent in their pants.
Mike opening a door in the production building and discovers...a big elf slams the door closed exclaiming, "you didn't see that."
Mike: "That's Indonesian child slave labor."
Elf: I'm the biggest elf here, I'm eighteen inches tall and I will kick your ass."
Group of elves go into a tussle with Mike and his crew, Santa Land security shows up with Santa and Helga. Several elves and Mike's crew are leaving Santa Land. Santa is a bit embarrassed.
New York City--DAY
Children in a playground raising hell and misbehaving.
SANTA LAND--DAY
Santa and Helga are at Santa's computer bringing up the Santa Satellite Surveillance Systems to check on whom is naughty and nice.
New York City--DAY
Children in a playground raising hell and misbehaving. One fat kid has a smart phone and gets an alert. He shouts out, "The fat slop has a spy satellite overhead!" All of the kids act right as the fat kid tracks the satellite. When the spy satellite passes, he gives the "all clear" and the kids begin raising hell again.
Back in the corporate offices the receptionist announces, "Executives from Cocoa Cola are here."
Executives explaining to Santa, "We're here to take back our Red Suit, we're hiring a newer kinder gentler Santa, a black translesbian social justice Santa."
Santa to an executive: "When you were a little boy at the rooming house in a Colorado mining town, what did I bring you?"
Executive: "Rosebud! Rosebud!"
Santa to another executive: "when you lost your brother and were going to jump off of a bridge?"
Executive: "What a wonderful life."
Santa to another executive: "and when the New York Yankees were going to lose the wolrd series?"
Executive: "Angels in the outfield."
Executives: "We're sorry, Santa. You can have the suit for another year." As the executives are leaving one turns and declares, "you better have that suit ready by December 26th, or else."
(Chapter Two follows)
This production has the approval and support of Dennis Olson (he's standing behind me, isn't he?)
Ext. Big City United States Court--Day
Inter. Courtroom:
Plaintiff Lawyers for Little Billy, All Criminals Love Us and Any Communist Liberation Unit.
Defendant Lawyer: Counselor Dweeb.
Presiding Magistrate LeBeral.
Your honor, all Little Billy wanted for Christmas was a child safe burning cross, (she lights cross and tips it over, fire goes out) and a Negroe Swinging From a Tree Doll. And what did Little Billy find on Christmas morning? A stocking full of coal! And coal is, if it pleases the Court, a fossil fuel green house gas producing gross pollutant contributing to high carbon emissions and global warming.
And who put this in the hands of a minor? (pointing towards the man with the white beard in the Red Suit) Santa Claus!
Counselor Dweeb slinking underneath his table.
Second ACLU lawyer, coughing into his hands, "twenty two million dollars."
Judge LeBeral ruling in favor of the plaintiffs.
Woman in pews, "Bomb them! Bomb them!"
Man in pews hands rapidly moving up and down in front of himself, bucking back and forth shouting, "carbon credits, carbon tax!"
Judge Leberal: Al! We're in public!
EXT SANTA LAND--DAY
Mike Walrus of the One Hour Show doing a hit piece on Santa Land.
"What is this controversy in Santa Land? Is it lack of affirmative action? Lack of collective bargaining? No, they're smoking cigarettes."
INT. Santa Land--DAY
Santa Claus speaking with supervisor Elves in his office, his secretary Helga Vixenburg, a Nordic buxxy blonde is nearby. Mike Walrus news team are standing by. Discussion is production quality and elf labor absenteeism.
Claxon sounding off. P.A. System: "Alert! Madeleine O'Hare Brigade making an amphibious assault!" "All elves to battle stations."
EXT. Battle Ground--Day
All elves are in their "battle rattle" and preparing to repel a full scale amphibious invasion. The assault begins and the elves engage in heavy machine gun fire and hand to hand combat. They repel the invasion, the Madeline O'Hare Brigade has been broken and devastated, they withdrawal to never return.
Battle assessments. Several docks have been destroyed and one casualty, "...they got Jorgensen."
Back in Santa Land the elves are walking along a corridor in one direction, Helga is moving in the other direction, as the elves pass Helga they have a tent in their pants.
Mike opening a door in the production building and discovers...a big elf slams the door closed exclaiming, "you didn't see that."
Mike: "That's Indonesian child slave labor."
Elf: I'm the biggest elf here, I'm eighteen inches tall and I will kick your ass."
Group of elves go into a tussle with Mike and his crew, Santa Land security shows up with Santa and Helga. Several elves and Mike's crew are leaving Santa Land. Santa is a bit embarrassed.
New York City--DAY
Children in a playground raising hell and misbehaving.
SANTA LAND--DAY
Santa and Helga are at Santa's computer bringing up the Santa Satellite Surveillance Systems to check on whom is naughty and nice.
New York City--DAY
Children in a playground raising hell and misbehaving. One fat kid has a smart phone and gets an alert. He shouts out, "The fat slop has a spy satellite overhead!" All of the kids act right as the fat kid tracks the satellite. When the spy satellite passes, he gives the "all clear" and the kids begin raising hell again.
Back in the corporate offices the receptionist announces, "Executives from Cocoa Cola are here."
Executives explaining to Santa, "We're here to take back our Red Suit, we're hiring a newer kinder gentler Santa, a black translesbian social justice Santa."
Santa to an executive: "When you were a little boy at the rooming house in a Colorado mining town, what did I bring you?"
Executive: "Rosebud! Rosebud!"
Santa to another executive: "when you lost your brother and were going to jump off of a bridge?"
Executive: "What a wonderful life."
Santa to another executive: "and when the New York Yankees were going to lose the wolrd series?"
Executive: "Angels in the outfield."
Executives: "We're sorry, Santa. You can have the suit for another year." As the executives are leaving one turns and declares, "you better have that suit ready by December 26th, or else."
(Chapter Two follows)
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