Story JAFCS: The Movie (treament format)

[Voortrekker]

JAFCS: Just Another F*ck*ng Christmas Story Rated PG-21

This production has the approval and support of Dennis Olson (he's standing behind me, isn't he?)

Ext. Big City United States Court--Day

Inter. Courtroom:
Plaintiff Lawyers for Little Billy, All Criminals Love Us and Any Communist Liberation Unit.
Defendant Lawyer: Counselor Dweeb.
Presiding Magistrate LeBeral.

Your honor, all Little Billy wanted for Christmas was a child safe burning cross, (she lights cross and tips it over, fire goes out) and a Negroe Swinging From a Tree Doll. And what did Little Billy find on Christmas morning? A stocking full of coal! And coal is, if it pleases the Court, a fossil fuel green house gas producing gross pollutant contributing to high carbon emissions and global warming.

And who put this in the hands of a minor? (pointing towards the man with the white beard in the Red Suit) Santa Claus!

Counselor Dweeb slinking underneath his table.

Second ACLU lawyer, coughing into his hands, "twenty two million dollars."

Judge LeBeral ruling in favor of the plaintiffs.

Woman in pews, "Bomb them! Bomb them!"

Man in pews hands rapidly moving up and down in front of himself, bucking back and forth shouting, "carbon credits, carbon tax!"

Judge Leberal: Al! We're in public!



EXT SANTA LAND--DAY

Mike Walrus of the One Hour Show doing a hit piece on Santa Land.

"What is this controversy in Santa Land? Is it lack of affirmative action? Lack of collective bargaining? No, they're smoking cigarettes."

INT. Santa Land--DAY

Santa Claus speaking with supervisor Elves in his office, his secretary Helga Vixenburg, a Nordic buxxy blonde is nearby. Mike Walrus news team are standing by. Discussion is production quality and elf labor absenteeism.

Claxon sounding off. P.A. System: "Alert! Madeleine O'Hare Brigade making an amphibious assault!" "All elves to battle stations."

EXT. Battle Ground--Day

All elves are in their "battle rattle" and preparing to repel a full scale amphibious invasion. The assault begins and the elves engage in heavy machine gun fire and hand to hand combat. They repel the invasion, the Madeline O'Hare Brigade has been broken and devastated, they withdrawal to never return.

Battle assessments. Several docks have been destroyed and one casualty, "...they got Jorgensen."

Back in Santa Land the elves are walking along a corridor in one direction, Helga is moving in the other direction, as the elves pass Helga they have a tent in their pants.

Mike opening a door in the production building and discovers...a big elf slams the door closed exclaiming, "you didn't see that."
Mike: "That's Indonesian child slave labor."

Elf: I'm the biggest elf here, I'm eighteen inches tall and I will kick your ass."

Group of elves go into a tussle with Mike and his crew, Santa Land security shows up with Santa and Helga. Several elves and Mike's crew are leaving Santa Land. Santa is a bit embarrassed.

New York City--DAY
Children in a playground raising hell and misbehaving.

SANTA LAND--DAY
Santa and Helga are at Santa's computer bringing up the Santa Satellite Surveillance Systems to check on whom is naughty and nice.

New York City--DAY
Children in a playground raising hell and misbehaving. One fat kid has a smart phone and gets an alert. He shouts out, "The fat slop has a spy satellite overhead!" All of the kids act right as the fat kid tracks the satellite. When the spy satellite passes, he gives the "all clear" and the kids begin raising hell again.

Back in the corporate offices the receptionist announces, "Executives from Cocoa Cola are here."

Executives explaining to Santa, "We're here to take back our Red Suit, we're hiring a newer kinder gentler Santa, a black translesbian social justice Santa."

Santa to an executive: "When you were a little boy at the rooming house in a Colorado mining town, what did I bring you?"
Executive: "Rosebud! Rosebud!"

Santa to another executive: "when you lost your brother and were going to jump off of a bridge?"
Executive: "What a wonderful life."

Santa to another executive: "and when the New York Yankees were going to lose the wolrd series?"
Executive: "Angels in the outfield."

Executives: "We're sorry, Santa. You can have the suit for another year." As the executives are leaving one turns and declares, "you better have that suit ready by December 26th, or else."

(Chapter Two follows)

 

[Voortrekker]

Santa is doing his taxes and end of quarter statements. He is highly frustrated and his secretary Helga Vixenburg decides to help, she begins singing "Santa Baby" Santa Baby while picking up a parade ground silver steel helmet, which she places on Santa's lap and with a buffing mitt on her hand and some polish, begins buffing Santa's Helmet.

Santa and Helga are strolling through the dormitory area to a cabin, shedding clothes as they are walking, Mrs. Claus some distance behind them thinking the dogs have pulled down the laundry. Inside the cabin is Santa and Helga, the elves are pushed against the window pain, heavy breathing condensation freezes and the elves are stuck to the pane.

Production Area --Day
Elves are loading semi-trucks. A stack of cartons lands on the floor from the top shelves, the labels read, "fragile, do not drop." A stack of six pallets with labels reading, "stack only four high." Don't even ask about "keep frozen" "keep from freezing" and "keep upright."

A reporter quizzes the elves about loading semi-trucks.
Elf: "Santa has one day a year to deliver toys to millions of children throughout the world. You think he can do all that with one bag? What are you a ******* moron?"

Santa and Helga go to the Boyng Aircraft company for a new sleigh, state of the art electronics suite package and navigation. Inside of the Board Room Helga is removing her red long evening gloves while a music troupe is playing the burlesque music for stripping. The executives are trying to maintain decorum to no avail. Helga tosses her evening gloves and her hat onto the table.

Board Member: "Gentlemen, what do we do when a lady enters the room?"
Executives attempting to stand up, but they can't stand up.

The Boyng engineers show Santa the new sleigh performance, doing aerobatics and a speed run. Santa is impressed and places an order for two sleighs.

Back in Santa Land the elves tell Rudolph, "Santa and technology is going to replace you. You better do something."
Rudolph sabotages the sleigh electronics.

Major Metropolis--Day
New Flash! We are cancelling Christmas because of Santa Claus says the big bulldyke Roxy O'Dell and her "Partner". Her two "adopted" children are crying over cancelling Christmas and Roxy yells, "shut up you little breeders!"

A liberal lawyer stands between the two "women" and declares, "We're cancelling Christmas because Santa Claus is a Racist. If Kris Kringle's middle name was Kreg, his initials would be KKK. Santa Claus is a racist, cancel Christmas.

The two lesbians open a jar of pickled fetus snacks made by Liberal Brands and tearing a fetus snack in half.

Announcer: "That's Liberal Brands Fetus Snacks, Spicy Pickled and Honey Mustard Dry Roasted. Liberal, Liberal Brands.

Announcer: "In the interest of net neutrality we must include Frankfurt Four Brands.

Narrator: (while showing the production of fetal snacks) Here at Frankfurt Four, our spicy pickled fetus snacks are selected from the finest wombs, our honey mustard dried snacks are slowly roasted from whole fetuses, unlike our competitor. (Video showing Liberal Brands funning fresh fetuses along a conveyor into a roller pressing the fetuses into a "jerky" strip.)

Announcer: "That's Liberal. Liberal Brands. "
Narrator: "And Frankfurt Four."

TELEVISION STUDIO--DAY
Santa is a guest on Bill Mawres Plittikly inKrekt Show.
Other guests are PETA, SPCA, No Christmas Carrolls etc.

PETA guest asks Santa, "Your coat must be velour."

Santa, "It's elk hide."

PETA, "Well surely your boots are nylon."

Santa, "These are walrus hide."

PETA, "Well that white trim must be a fabulous fake."

Santa, "It's baby Harp Seal. I clubbed him myself!"

Bill Mawres, "Cut to commercial!"

Chapter Three Follows

 

[Voortrekker]

Philadelphia -- Day
Two elves in a new sleigh and an old reindeer down the street.
On a corner are a group of "Homey's" just hanging out.
The two elves are farther down the street and start moving the sleigh, the Homeys are standing on the corner.
The elves are even farther down the street and moving faster than before.
The homeys are standing on the corner.

The sleigh is even farther back and as it is along side the intersection, the elf in the rear rises up with an AK-47 and begins hosing the guys on the corner. The elf is up to his ankles in hot brass.

Elf in rear: "Go to Unga Bunga and celebrate Kwanzaa. Christmas is a white holiday."
The elves in the sleigh are making their getaway and as the sleigh is passing a big green highway sign, the elf in the rear is clipped in the back of his head by the sign.

Elf in rear: "Hurry up."
Elf in front: "I'm trying, you said get a new sled and an old reindeer."
Elf in rear: "I said get an old sled and a new reindeer."

On the corner a homey reaches up to the phone booth.

Dispatcher: "Nine one one, what is your emergency?"

Homey: "We just had a drive by in a sled."

Dispatcher: "You mean a slaying in a sleigh by?"

Homey: "I don't know, but they got Jorgensen."

Dispatcher: "I'm sorry, we don't have any units available."

Homey: "We're white people."

Dispatcher: "We'll have a car there in two minutes."

Que in theme for SWAT.

A roll up door opens across the intersection, two doors from the opposite corner. A big SWAT truck is revving up, while the (Keystone Cops) are about to jump on the back to grab the hand rails. The truck lurches forward and the Cops miss the truck and land in a pile. They Cops recover and as they are about to lunge forward and jump on the truck, the driver reverses and plows into the crowd of Cops and they fly rearwards. (These are the same animated actors playing the elves.)

The SWAT truck moves forward to the entrance and halts. The Keystone Cops jump on the back of the truck and the truck pulls out onto the street, backs up, maneuvers to the right and takes out a fire hydrant. The driver manuevers to the left and as he clears the hydrant a Philadelphian in a Smart Car "steals" the parking space. The Smart Car is over the hydrant geyser and is suspended in mid-air.

The SWAT truck enters the street and lurches forward and suddenly stops. The Cops atop the truck ladder are swung forward and are jettisoned onto a hot dog and pretzel arts. The truck reverses and the ladder catches all of the second floor windows of one building. The ladder returns to its original position and the truck moves forward into the intersection.

The SWAT truck enters the intersection at a forty five degree angle blocking traffic. Sound of air brakes engaging, engine shutting off. The "disco lights" are activated and the siren "bloooop! bloooops!"

SANTA LAND--DAY
Production area. Elves are busy with making toys and stuff, some are gunsmithing good quality AR rifles for guys who...

The calendar date is November 20. On the radio is Burl Ives singing Have a Holly Jolly Christmas when the KLAXON gives a long blast. P.A. System: "Elf 547 report to the ice floe. Elf 547 report to the ice floe."

SANTA LAND Arms Room--Day
Two Marine Elves are in the Arms Room. Santa enters the Arms Room and the Marine Elves open the roll up door of the counter and then the sliding cage window. They slide a clip board and pen to Santa to sign for the double barrel shotgun and the two shotgun shells inside of the cage.

Marine Elf: "We'll need to see your Lautenberg Card."

Santa is rummaging through his red suit, but Helga produces the card from a folder she is holding.

Marine Elf: "Now we'll need to see your Illinois FOIA Card, your New Jersey Firearms Purchaser I.D. Card, your Massachusetts Firearms Permit Card..."

Santa: "All I have is a Texas Concealed Handgun License."

Two Marine Elves glancing at one another, then at Santa, then at one another. Marine Elf slides the shotgun and two shells under the cage window, closes the cage window and the rollup door closes.

ICE FLOE--DAY

The gate to the Ice Floe reads, "No elves beyond this point. This means you." On the ice floe is an elf, forlorn and apprehensive.

A black limo sleigh arrives, que The Godfather Theme in faint undertones as a black boot and a red pant leg exit the sleigh. The big figure exits the limo sleigh and the man in the red suit enters the ice floe holding a double barrel shotgun.

Elf: (poutfully) "Oh, Santa, why?"
Santa: "You know the rules. Someone plays a Christmas Carrol before Thanksgiving and Santa has to splat an elf."

Elf: "But you don't have to do this."
Santa: "Come on guy, this isn't personal. It's business, you know that."

Elf: "But Santa..."
Sound of a shotgun blast followed by a shotgun blast. Santa has splatted an elf.

 

[Voortrekker]

An elf asks Santa, "hey, Santa, how come we never go to Indian Reservations anymore?"
Stuck in the Smokehole of Our Tipi

THEATRE INT. --DAY
An elf enters center stage and announces, "...and now, the big number..."

The curtains open and Joey Heatherton (Rocking Around the Christmas Tree) begins the big number with four erotic exotic dancers. Joey continues the song and the dancers are dancing and using the trapeze and brass pole. As the number is ending, the four dancers turn their backs to the audience while a snow cloud at chest height only passes the dancers, they remove their bras and as the cloud passes them, they twirl their bras and throw it at the camera, or audience.

SANTA LAND--DAY
On the flight line the reindeer are enjoying martini's and holding cigarettes in cigarette holders, the elves are drinking forty ouncers and smoking Newports.
The windsock rises with a strong wind and the sound of turbines winding up and winding down as the windsock drops.

BILLBOARD--DAY
There is a billboard of Santa on his sleigh and the second billboard is Santa in a B-52. Caption reads, " One night a year I deliver toys to millions of children throughout the world. One weekend a month I'm in the Air National Guard."

Next Billboard: A bunch of elves in kit (army web gear, mag pouches, etc.) and "assault rifles" caption reading, dark sunglasses, forty ouncers and a Newport stuck in their mouths, "Join the Patriot Militia."

CHRISTMAS EVE, noonish or so--DAY

The Sleigh is ready, the reindeer are ready, the elves are ready. The wind isn't ready. Two aircrew elves are in the back of the sleigh.

Suddenly the windsock rises, the sound of turbines whining at maximum RPM's, Santa guides the sleigh on the runway, deck airman with the flag signaling Santa to take off. The sleigh is airborne, Santa is on his way. Remember, we have to factor in time zone changes and the international date line. Duh...

Northern California along the I 5 corridor, the CHP California Highway Patrol lights up Santa and emits the siren.
CHP: "You in the red suit. Pull Over."

CHP approaches Santa and begins writing the citation.
CHP: "You have no ICC of DOT decals, no clearance/running lights, no turn signals, passengers in the cargo compartment, (referring to Rudolph) unauthorized red light in front, no windshield wipers AND...

...you're not wearing a seat belt!"

Santa: "Officer, this is an animal drawn sleigh."

CHP: "This is a combination commercial vehicle. I'm going to have to impound your semi."

Santa: "But officer, I'm Santa Claus, I have to deliver toys to millions of children once a year this is that night."

CHP: "Well, it is Christmas Eve. I'm letting you off with a warning. But next year you better be in compliance."

TROPOSHERE PLANET EARTH--DAY
Santa is delivering toys to millions of children throughout the world. At one point the navigation is off and Santa is in unauthorized restricted airspace over China. The Chinese pick up Santa on radar and with the big binoculars a PLA offices points and says, "Santa Claus!"

The air defense radar aboard Santa One Sleigh activates a warning, Missile Alert. Santa pops chaff and shoots off star bursts flares while jinking and changing altitude. The missiles pass and then the air defense radar activates an air to air attack from above. Chinese Migs!

Santa attempts to hold the sleigh steady as the air crew elves ready the Dillon Aero-Precision 20mm minigun.
Air Crew Elf: "Get us out of here Santa. Get us out of here!"

Santa stands up with his reigns and shouts, "

INTERRUPTION: An elf turns to the crowd and says, "audience participation." The words are on screen with the white dot going over each word in the lyrics.

Santa: "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer on Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.
Rudolph and Jorgensen!"

One reindeer's eyes get really big while the other reindeer are shrugging away from the front lead reindeer on the starboard side.

The first Mig passes firing off his auto-cannons hitting Jorgensen while the elves steady the minigun and hit the trail Mig, flaming his *** and scoring a kill.

Santa on the radio, "Continental mayday, mayday, mayday."
Elf crawling along the reindeer to cut away the flaming, burning dead reindeer, thick black smoke billowing behind Sleigh One. The elf must cut away the dead reindeer's leather strapping. The dead reindeer smacking against Sleigh One with an audible THUD! Elf gets wrapped in the leather strapping and is trapped under the slip stream of Sleigh One getting pounded up and down, screaming. Elf Two recovers Elf One who is visibly upset.

Strategic Air Command HQ CP War Room--Day
On the "Big Board" is the silhouette of Sleigh One crossing China. A big SAC flag is near the big board. An airman spies the camera seeing the big board and attempts to use his blotter to hide the big board unsuccessfully. Another airman attempts to help and finally a civilian in a black suit, round bottle glasses and hair parted in the middle grabs the SAC flag to conceal the big board.

At the desk is a General LuhMeigh, drinking a glass of natural spring water, a bottle of pure grain alcohol is on his desk. The General sets down his cigar and presses the mic button.

General: "Sleigh One. Denied. When George Armstrong Custer crossed the Delaware River to surprise Cochise at Brandywine, did he quit? NO. When Audy Murphy and Alvin York stormed San Juan Hill to personally shoot that paper hanging Joseph Stalin, did they quit? Never. You continue mission Santa. SAC out."

As the camera zooms away from the General, a pair of high heels are sticking out from under his desk. The camera can see the Big Board, the airmen see this and it is all pandemonium.

With the tenth reindeer gone and Sleigh One stabilized, Santa continues his mission.

Sleigh One approaches a snow covered roof, making a perfect three point landing, silently.

Elf One and Elf Two: "Last House."

Elf One: "Hey, isn't this Little Billy's house?"
Elf Two: "Yeah. Little Billy who sued Santa."
Elf One: "Yeah sued for twenty two million dollars."

Santa exiting the Sleigh One with the newspaper crossword puzzle folded up and a pencil.
Santa walks up to the chimney, dropping his trousers and sitting his big fat bare ass on the snow covered chimney doing the crossword puzzle.

Elf One: "Little Billy was upset about coal in his stocking last year."
Elf Two: "He's going to be really upset this year."

Santa lets out the biggest fart in the world fart and ash and dust erupt from the fireplace in Little Billy's House.

 

[Voortrekker]

SANTA LAND--DAY
In Santa's study are the elves. Helga has just boxxed up Santa's former red suit and placed it in a Fed Ex box and placed it outside in the Parcel area. As Helga is re-entering the study, in the big picture window a Fed Ex Dog Sled grabs the box and takes off.

Helga is serving hot cocoa to all of the elves and sitting on Santa's lap. The show starts. It is three models with new suts for Santa. The first female model in a negligée pushes a blue Santa suit on a rack, she sets the rack aside and prances along the runway, back to the rack and exits the stage. The second model in a negligee sports a green Santa suit and she also prances the runway. Then the third model in a negligee sports the yellow Santa suit. Then all three models exit the stage.

Mrs. Claus enters the study. Helga jumps up and squeals.

Mrs. Claus: "Who is this woman?"

All Elves in unison: "Uhhh, Santa's secretary?"

Mrs. Claus: "I want a divorce."

Santa approaching Mrs. Claus, a man in a three piece suit intercepts Santa.

Santa: "Who are you?"

Man: "Mrs. Claus' divorce attorney."

All Elves: "Mrs. Claus' what?"

Man: "Mrs. Claus' divorce attorney."

All elves reaching behind furniture and curtains, producing black rifles, screen goes dark as sound of gunfire is heard.

The End.

Que in ending credits music bloopers, etc.