In this the 6th year of darkness, I thought some jokes might bring some smiles to folks.
Too many bumper stickers.
A friend sent me a disturbingly funny email.
I have no idea where it originated, or who compiled it.
And after I got through laughing and using a rescue inhaler, I realized I had to post it here.
There is almost certainly something here to make you laugh and cringe…
Enjoy
Terry
- - - - -
Too Many Bumper Stickers
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mind doesn't need drugs - it's already wasted.
A day for firm decisions. Or is it?
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
A little experience upsets a lot of theory.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
A woman's place is in the house... and the senate
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Actually, I AM a rocket scientist and it doesn't help.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix NEVER DRINK AND DERIVE!
All generalizations are false.
All right, who put the "Morning People" in charge?
All the easy problems have been solved.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
(I lost it over this one!)
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong
answers.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with brie.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.
Auntie Em -- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Avoid alliteration...always.
Avoid clichés like the plague.
Avoid reality at all costs.
B.S. (Physics): Why does it work?
B.S. (Engineer): How does it work?
B.A. (Accounting): How much will it cost?
B.A. (Arts) You want fries with that?
Bad Cop….no doughnut!
Beatings will continue until morale improves.
Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the core.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Butterflies are not insects. They are self-propelled flowers.
Can you repeat the part after, "Listen very carefully"?
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Clever is getting out alive.
Common Sense Isn't.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Consider yourself hugged.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Cute and interesting are two different things.
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do televangelists do more than lay people?
Do we know that life has a cause?
Doctor Ruth Is A Virgin.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dogs have owners, Cats have staff.
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't bug me; hug me.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't question authority, it doesn't know either.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.
Don't take me literally.
Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time
Down with categorical imperative!
Down with ignurance!
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
E = mc ² ± 3-dB.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Eschew obfuscation.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memeory... some just don't have film.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Exxon Suxx.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Forget world peace - Visualize using your turn signals.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Fools who think they know it all irritate those of us who do
Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind
Getting laid off is better than not getting laid at all.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give peas a chance
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
God made us brothers, Prozac made us friends.
Grammar has got to be one of the most importantest things ever.
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Guns don't kill people postal workers do.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Hang-up and drive!
Happy Happy Kill Kill
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Honk if you're illiterate.
Honk if you're Jesus.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Hugs don't feel as good on e-mail.
Hummingbirds just don't know the words.
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed.
I am a collage student.
I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts!
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate.
I can't STAND intolerant people.
I cna tpye 200 wordes a mnuite.
I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I don't really care much about apathy.
I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier.
I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.
I doubt - therefore I might be.
I get along with God just fine. It's his fan club that I can't stand.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I love cats - they taste just like chicken.
I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
I may suck, but you swallow.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I suffer occasional delusions of adequacy
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I wonder how you'd drive with that cell phone shoved up your ass!
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
I'm Canadian actually. It's like an American, but without the gun.
I'm for the Separation of Church and Hate.
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate
plants.
I'm not going to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean my guns.
I'm not lost, I'm exploring.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
I'm out of bed and dressed; what more do you want?
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've no time to prepare a profound message.
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes! Well OK, maybe not; but they sure are good!
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If guns are outlawed can we use swords?
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children
If I wanted your opinion I'd read your entrails.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it's called tourist season, why can't we hunt them?
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, how come it's #2?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you can't go first class, charge it.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child?
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf... what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
If you don't know where you're going, you're probably not going to get there.
If you get any closer, you'd better have a condom.
If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.
If you love Jesus, seek justice. Any fool can honk.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
In America, anyone can become President. Obviously.
In America, anyone can become President. That's one of the risks you take.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In theory, everything works.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Integrity has no need for rules
Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firehouse?
Is there another word for synonym?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
It just doesn't matter.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it
It's not just reality that matters.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the blame.
It's only a game until you lose.
It's only hopeless if you walk away.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't after you.
Just say "no!" to sex with pro-lifers.
Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
Kayakers roll over and do it again.
Keep banging the rocks together.
Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control.
Lefties have rights too.
Let's be a little nicer to each other. Everyone's fighting a hard battle.
Liberal Arts major. Will think for food.
Liberal Arts major. “Do you want fries with that?”
Life is a terminal disease.
Life is just one of those things.
Life is recursive.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Life without bears would be unbearable.
Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
Live teddy bears are best.
Looking to God for answers is premature.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
Make WAR, not LOVE, it's safer.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Metallic age: Silver hair, gold teeth and a lead ass.
Multiple Orgasm Donor.
My Dad says: Condoms don't work!!
My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT!
My kid sells term papers to your honor student.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other bumper sticker is funnier.
My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
My wife says I never listen to her.. or something like that.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never go into a hug off-balance.
Never go to bed mad; stay up and fight.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never trust a nun with a gun.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
"No," simply means begin again at one level higher.
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No radio. Already stolen.
Nobody's ugly after 2AM.
Nonconformists are all alike.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
"Not a Morning Person," does not even BEGIN to describe it.
Not all who wander are lost.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One should never generalize.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
Outside noisy = Inside empty.
Patience is a virtue, but waiting sucks.
PPlleeaassee CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.
Philosophy Major. Will think for food.
Pillage, then burn.
Pound for pound, the metric system is probably the best.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is the anchovy on the pizza of life
Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
Rehab is for quitters.
Relax. It's only ones and zeroes.
Remember - it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle
finger.
Remember - you are unique, just like everyone else.
Save the whales, collect the whole set.
Sects, Sects, Sects! Is that all you monks ever think about?
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Shouldn't "anal retentive" be spelled with a hyphen?
Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
So you're a feminist.. isn't that cute!
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
Some push the envelope, some just lick it, and some can't find the flap.
Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have.
Support Retroactive Abortion
Support the Math Illiteracy Tax - Buy Lottery Tickets
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.
The "C" in rap is silent.
The cure for boredom is curiosity; there is no cure for curiosity.
The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
The faster you go, the shorter you are - Einstein
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The moon is more useful than the sun because at night we need the light more.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The purpose of your life may be to serve as a warning to others.
The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The ultimate reason is "because."
The unexamined life is not worth living.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
There are three kinds of people - those who can count, and those who can't.
There is no freedom OF religion without freedom FROM religion.
There was a light at the beginning of the tunnel too.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
They're Lying.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
Think hard now... which one is Shinola?
This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
To err is human; to cover it up is too.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Tomorrow I'm going to make a "to do" list for tomorrow.
Too many clowns, not enough circuses.
Too much patience goes nowhere.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Two leaps per chasm is fatal.
Vegetarians just taste better.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I did a little shopping.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
(I damn near wrecked 30 years ago after following a car on the interstate for 20 miles while wondering what the heck, and then I vocalized the following. And lost it.)
Visualize whirled peas.
Wanna test that air bag?
Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship
Was today really necessary?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What if this is as good as it gets?
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What we really need is a moment of SCIENCE in the public schools!
What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
When everything’s coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Why be normal?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is it called rush hour if no one moves?
Why is 'monosyllabic' five syllables?
Why isn't 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?
Why should I grow up? This is more fun.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work off excess energy; steal something heavy.
Worry. God knows all about you.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
WWSD
Yes - but not with you.
You! Out of the gene pool….
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are the machinery -- and the monkey wrench.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
You're the reason God gave us middle fingers.
Your lucky number is 72749523483025. Watch for it everywhere.
Your sole purpose in life may simply be to serve as a warning to others.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast.
37 creative ways to say someone is stupid:
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
Too many bumper stickers.
A friend sent me a disturbingly funny email.
I have no idea where it originated, or who compiled it.
And after I got through laughing and using a rescue inhaler, I realized I had to post it here.
There is almost certainly something here to make you laugh and cringe…
Enjoy
Terry
- - - - -
Too Many Bumper Stickers
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mind doesn't need drugs - it's already wasted.
A day for firm decisions. Or is it?
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
A little experience upsets a lot of theory.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
A woman's place is in the house... and the senate
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Actually, I AM a rocket scientist and it doesn't help.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix NEVER DRINK AND DERIVE!
All generalizations are false.
All right, who put the "Morning People" in charge?
All the easy problems have been solved.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
(I lost it over this one!)
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong
answers.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with brie.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.
Auntie Em -- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Avoid alliteration...always.
Avoid clichés like the plague.
Avoid reality at all costs.
B.S. (Physics): Why does it work?
B.S. (Engineer): How does it work?
B.A. (Accounting): How much will it cost?
B.A. (Arts) You want fries with that?
Bad Cop….no doughnut!
Beatings will continue until morale improves.
Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the core.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Butterflies are not insects. They are self-propelled flowers.
Can you repeat the part after, "Listen very carefully"?
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Clever is getting out alive.
Common Sense Isn't.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Consider yourself hugged.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Cute and interesting are two different things.
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do televangelists do more than lay people?
Do we know that life has a cause?
Doctor Ruth Is A Virgin.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dogs have owners, Cats have staff.
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't bug me; hug me.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't question authority, it doesn't know either.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.
Don't take me literally.
Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time
Down with categorical imperative!
Down with ignurance!
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
E = mc ² ± 3-dB.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Eschew obfuscation.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memeory... some just don't have film.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Exxon Suxx.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Forget world peace - Visualize using your turn signals.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Fools who think they know it all irritate those of us who do
Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind
Getting laid off is better than not getting laid at all.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give peas a chance
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
God made us brothers, Prozac made us friends.
Grammar has got to be one of the most importantest things ever.
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Guns don't kill people postal workers do.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Hang-up and drive!
Happy Happy Kill Kill
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Honk if you're illiterate.
Honk if you're Jesus.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Hugs don't feel as good on e-mail.
Hummingbirds just don't know the words.
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed.
I am a collage student.
I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts!
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate.
I can't STAND intolerant people.
I cna tpye 200 wordes a mnuite.
I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I don't really care much about apathy.
I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier.
I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.
I doubt - therefore I might be.
I get along with God just fine. It's his fan club that I can't stand.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I love cats - they taste just like chicken.
I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
I may suck, but you swallow.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I suffer occasional delusions of adequacy
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I wonder how you'd drive with that cell phone shoved up your ass!
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
I'm Canadian actually. It's like an American, but without the gun.
I'm for the Separation of Church and Hate.
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate
plants.
I'm not going to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean my guns.
I'm not lost, I'm exploring.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
I'm out of bed and dressed; what more do you want?
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've no time to prepare a profound message.
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes! Well OK, maybe not; but they sure are good!
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If guns are outlawed can we use swords?
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children
If I wanted your opinion I'd read your entrails.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it's called tourist season, why can't we hunt them?
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, how come it's #2?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you can't go first class, charge it.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child?
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf... what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
If you don't know where you're going, you're probably not going to get there.
If you get any closer, you'd better have a condom.
If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.
If you love Jesus, seek justice. Any fool can honk.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
In America, anyone can become President. Obviously.
In America, anyone can become President. That's one of the risks you take.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In theory, everything works.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Integrity has no need for rules
Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firehouse?
Is there another word for synonym?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
It just doesn't matter.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it
It's not just reality that matters.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the blame.
It's only a game until you lose.
It's only hopeless if you walk away.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't after you.
Just say "no!" to sex with pro-lifers.
Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
Kayakers roll over and do it again.
Keep banging the rocks together.
Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control.
Lefties have rights too.
Let's be a little nicer to each other. Everyone's fighting a hard battle.
Liberal Arts major. Will think for food.
Liberal Arts major. “Do you want fries with that?”
Life is a terminal disease.
Life is just one of those things.
Life is recursive.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Life without bears would be unbearable.
Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
Live teddy bears are best.
Looking to God for answers is premature.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
Make WAR, not LOVE, it's safer.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Metallic age: Silver hair, gold teeth and a lead ass.
Multiple Orgasm Donor.
My Dad says: Condoms don't work!!
My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT!
My kid sells term papers to your honor student.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other bumper sticker is funnier.
My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
My wife says I never listen to her.. or something like that.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never go into a hug off-balance.
Never go to bed mad; stay up and fight.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never trust a nun with a gun.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
"No," simply means begin again at one level higher.
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No radio. Already stolen.
Nobody's ugly after 2AM.
Nonconformists are all alike.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
"Not a Morning Person," does not even BEGIN to describe it.
Not all who wander are lost.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One should never generalize.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
Outside noisy = Inside empty.
Patience is a virtue, but waiting sucks.
PPlleeaassee CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.
Philosophy Major. Will think for food.
Pillage, then burn.
Pound for pound, the metric system is probably the best.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is the anchovy on the pizza of life
Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
Rehab is for quitters.
Relax. It's only ones and zeroes.
Remember - it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle
finger.
Remember - you are unique, just like everyone else.
Save the whales, collect the whole set.
Sects, Sects, Sects! Is that all you monks ever think about?
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Shouldn't "anal retentive" be spelled with a hyphen?
Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
So you're a feminist.. isn't that cute!
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
Some push the envelope, some just lick it, and some can't find the flap.
Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have.
Support Retroactive Abortion
Support the Math Illiteracy Tax - Buy Lottery Tickets
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.
The "C" in rap is silent.
The cure for boredom is curiosity; there is no cure for curiosity.
The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
The faster you go, the shorter you are - Einstein
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The moon is more useful than the sun because at night we need the light more.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The purpose of your life may be to serve as a warning to others.
The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The ultimate reason is "because."
The unexamined life is not worth living.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
There are three kinds of people - those who can count, and those who can't.
There is no freedom OF religion without freedom FROM religion.
There was a light at the beginning of the tunnel too.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
They're Lying.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
Think hard now... which one is Shinola?
This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
To err is human; to cover it up is too.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Tomorrow I'm going to make a "to do" list for tomorrow.
Too many clowns, not enough circuses.
Too much patience goes nowhere.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Two leaps per chasm is fatal.
Vegetarians just taste better.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I did a little shopping.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
(I damn near wrecked 30 years ago after following a car on the interstate for 20 miles while wondering what the heck, and then I vocalized the following. And lost it.)
Visualize whirled peas.
Wanna test that air bag?
Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship
Was today really necessary?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What if this is as good as it gets?
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What we really need is a moment of SCIENCE in the public schools!
What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
When everything’s coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Why be normal?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is it called rush hour if no one moves?
Why is 'monosyllabic' five syllables?
Why isn't 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?
Why should I grow up? This is more fun.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work off excess energy; steal something heavy.
Worry. God knows all about you.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
WWSD
Yes - but not with you.
You! Out of the gene pool….
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are the machinery -- and the monkey wrench.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
You're the reason God gave us middle fingers.
Your lucky number is 72749523483025. Watch for it everywhere.
Your sole purpose in life may simply be to serve as a warning to others.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast.
37 creative ways to say someone is stupid:
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
that I have seen on cars,
