MAKE ME LAUGH!

O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
-
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
-
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
-
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
-
The man sighs, “my wife.”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Last night I got a little drunk at a bar so I decided to take the bus home. Good thing I did because there was a sobriety checkpoint on the way. The police just waved the bus through and I got home safely.

Until yesterday I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I’m pretty good at it if you ask me.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg.

The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."

"Great, but why the wooden leg?"

"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."

"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"

"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
 
Bardou

Bardou

Veteran Member
74c55c1a1534af03edc456e8c7000f7b.jpg
 
Bardou

Bardou

Veteran Member
It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor brings a large cage with a male rat in it.

The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some cheese. Again, the male rat ran towards the cheese.

This experiment went on for a while with the professor changing different foods and not the female rat. Every time the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

With great confidence, the professor said: “Students, you see, this experiment proves that the urge for food is greater than the urge for sex.”

Everyone was quiet, but then Johnny from the back rows got up and said: “Say, professor, why don’t you try changing the female rat? This one may be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up… finger pointing towards the student and said “You are a damn genius”
 
Bardou

Bardou

Veteran Member
A wild eyed (and butt ugly) old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, D.C. waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out;
“I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.

I want to know who’s been sleeping with my husband?”

A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You’ll Need More Ammo, Mrs. Clinton”.
 
Bardou

Bardou

Veteran Member
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

“Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
…cautiously: “What part did you get?
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING???



A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There, now you know everything!
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.


The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pi**ing and moaning.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Here is a selection of the best jokes that it is very possible that only Cabin Crew would understand.

1. What’s the difference between a Flight Attendant and a Mercedes?…..Not everyone has been on a Mercedes.

2. What’s the difference between a senior flight attendant and a police car?…..You need two police cars to block and intersection.

3. How does a flight attendant tell a passenger to go to hell?…..I’ll be right back!

4. What do you call a bunch of Flight Attendants in a basement?…..A Whine Cellar!

5. It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.”What are my choices?” he asked.”Yes or No,” she replied.

6. How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

7. How do you know the guy next to you is a pilot?
He wakes you up and tells you.

8.
Q: How do you stop a Flight Attendant from having an orgasm?
A: Press the F/A Call Button – that way she will never come.

9.
What’s the difference between a teacher, a nurse, and a flight attendant in bed?

The teacher will tell you, “I’m gonna teach you how to do it and then we’ll going to go over and over it untill we get it right.”

The nurse will say, “I’m gonna do it slowly and I promise it’s not going to hurt.”
And the flight attendant will tell you. “Put it over your nose and mouth and continue to breath normally.”

10. What do Flight Attendants and Monica Lewinsky have in common?…..They all have a blue dress with stains on it.

11. A Blond Flight Attendant was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said Airport Left…..she turned around and went home.

12. How do you recognize a Flight Attendant at a party?…..They are the only ones eating standing up and cleaning their hands with the curtains.

13. What do you call a pregnant Flight Attendant?……Pilot Error.

14. How many flight attendants does it take to change a light bulb?…..A hundred. One to actually change it and 99 to bitch about it.

15. After a passenger continuously pressed the Flight Attendant Call Button, demanding attention and complaining about the service, the Flight Attendant says: “We are here to SAVE your ass, not to KISS it.”….

16. An airhead Flight Attendant, a smart Flight Attendant and Santa Claus jumped off the airplane after they lost both engines. Who made the largest splash?…..The airhead Flight Attendant. The others don’t exist!

17. What separates Flight Attendants from the scum of the world?…..The Cockpit door.

18. Why was the blonde FA late for the hotel van?
One door was the closet, one was the bathroom and the other said “Do not disturb.”

19. Stupid Question or Stupid Answer?
Lady: Is this my plane ?
Flight Attendant : No, it belongs to the Airline.
Lady : Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this plane to Los Angeles.
Flight Attendant: No Madam, I’m afraid its too heavy.

20. How do you make a hostie’s eyes sparkle? Shine a torch in her ear.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.

The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell'."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An elephant and a camel meet on a road:

Elephantl: Say, why is it you camels have your breasts on your back?

The camel pauses for a mimute....

Camel: That's an unusual question coming from someone who has a dick on his face...

the moral of the joke is this: camels are sexier than elephants!
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.

"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."

The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license.

The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.

"The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said.

"Works every time."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?"

The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions."

"Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?"
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Riding Horses
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Cemetary
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.

He Read Aloud "Here Lies A Texas Tech Graduate And A Great Man."

The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."

The Mom Says "Why Not?"

The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Before a standing army can rule

"Before a standing army can rule, the people must be disarmed; as they are in almost every kingdom of Europe. The supreme power in America cannot enforce unjust laws by the sword; because the whole body of the people are armed, and constitute a force superior to any band of regular troops that can be, on any pretence, raised in the United States."
- Noah Webster
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The job interview..

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .


The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'


The manager said, you must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, andGreen .'


Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'



The manager said, 'Go ahead.'



Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, yellow, this is Mujibar.'



Mujibar now works at a call center.


No doubt you have spoken to him.



I know I have.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
What's the difference between an optimist and Pessimist?
Answer:

Optimist rises out of bed and says, "good morning, Lord."

Pessimist gets up and says, "good Lord, morning!"
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
My 90 lb baby daughter went to college and then law school , but I could not believe that she was an attorney .

She got a job working in the Florida Capitol writing rules and bills , but to me she was the little girl that I taught to swim and to ride a bicycle .

But one day I was out working in my shop trying to torture a 15 foot piece of cypress to fit on a boat . I had clamps and Spanish windlasses but I still did not have enough hands .

Sarah pulled up in her auto and I asked her to help me . We got it done and went inside the house to see momma . Momma said what was you two doing out there ?

Sarah replied , " I was helping dad bring a board into compliance !"

COMPLIANCE , that was when I knew she was an attorney !
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top