MAKE ME LAUGH!

O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Evils of Drinking

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Verdict

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Fishing Joke

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track.

All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell.

The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. ‘Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!’ the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

‘Well, son,’ said the Game Warden, ‘you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!’ ‘Yes, sir,’ replied the young guy, ‘but my friend back there, well, he doesn’t have one.’
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
RED LIGHT


The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger, and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are... The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a squat one way or the other.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says,

"That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!

"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Grocery store protester

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets
on the evils of America.

I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female
protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said,
"Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said;

'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, lost my
husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a
bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our
country.

If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

God Bless America
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A guy at a bar got so drunk, he fell off his stool and vomited all over his shirt. Getting up, he says to the bartender: “Oh no, my wife will start a fight when I get back because now she will know I drank too much.”

The bartender puts $10 into the man’s shirt pocket and says: “Just tell her that it was someone else who vomited on you and in apologies gave you money for dry cleaning.” The man is happy and goes home.

Back home, the man’s wife opens the door and seeing his shirt, she starts yelling: “You were at the bar again…” but the man stops her in her tracks and says: “Yes, I did go to the bar and had just one beer when this other drunk vomited all over me. Check my shirt pocket, he apologized and even gave me $10 for dry cleaning.”

The woman hesitantly checks the pocket and exclaims: “But there’s $20 in here.” “That’s because he also pooped my pants,” explains the man.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During
the game the guys notice the girl knows much more about the game then they
do, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, “How is it that
you know so much about baseball?” She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and
got a sex change.”

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

“What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT
off?”

“That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?”

“That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part.”

“What was the most painful part?”

“The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half.”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.

He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
FOOTBALL


"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football".

- John Heisman


"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."

Bear Bryant / Alabama


"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle; you can hear it!”

- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame


"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."

– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern


"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."

- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame



"When you win, nothing hurts."

- Joe Namath / Alabama



"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."

- Frank Leahy / Notre Dame



"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."

- Woody Hayes / Ohio State



"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."

- Bob Devaney / Nebraska



"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."

- Wally Butts / Georgia



"I never graduated from Iowa. I was only there for two terms: Truman's and Eisenhower's."

– Alex Karras / Iowa



"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”

- Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee



"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."

- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State



"Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David."

- Shug Jordan / Auburn



"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me."

He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."

- Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State



"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."

- Bobby Bowden / Florida State



"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. DANCING is a contact sport."

- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State



After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was;

"All those who need showers, take them."

- John McKay / USC



" If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”

- Murray Warmath / Minnesota



"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."

- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame



"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."

- Darrell Royal / Texas



"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."

- John McKay / USC



"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."

- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame



Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”



Why do Auburn fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.



What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.



How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.



How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.



Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"



What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?

"Will the defendant please rise."



If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.



How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.



What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.



University of Michigan Coach, Jim Harbaugh, is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves.



How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.


How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
President Trump was leaving the White House when an assassin jumped from the bushes.

One of his Secret Service agents hollered "Mickey Mouse!" which startled the attacker and allowed the other agents to subdue him.

Later, the President was thanking his protection detail when he asked the agent "Why did you yell Mickey Mouse?"

The agent sheepishly answered "I got nervous. I meant to yell "Donald, Duck!""
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.

Warden: your pet fish? How's that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them

swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in

my basket and we go home. We do this every night.

Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!

Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)

Warden: well this I got to see!!

5 minutes later...

Warden: well??

Man: well what?

Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??

Man: what fish??
 
Bardou

Bardou

Veteran Member
From Navy Vet:

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, “Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack off for now?” she says. “I feel like shit. If you can wait, I’ll do you at lunchtime.”

I had to let Jack go.

Bosses have to make the tough decisions!!
 
Bardou

Bardou

Veteran Member
24fab1d5b21a0b8f2a0229d8f5189fdd.jpg
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Three nuns were attending a Yankee baseball game. Behind them sat three men. Because the nuns’ habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to pester the nuns, hoping they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.”

Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, “I want to move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.”

The third guy yelled, “I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there.”

The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell. There aren’t any nuns there.”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.” The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”. “She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday-the one you never liked.” “Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair that was too small for you now.”

“That’s all fine and good,” said the wife, “but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”

The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple. See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Liberal teacher meets her match

The teacher asked the class while raising her hand, "who here is a Bernie Sanders supporter"?

The kids all wanting to please the teacher raised their hands, except for little Johnny AGAIN.

Teacher asked little Johnny why he didn't support Bernie. Little Johnny said "because I am a conservative". Teacher asked him, "why are you a conservative Johnny"?

Johnny said "because my mom is a conservative and my dad is a conservative".

Teacher asked little Johnny, "if your mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you"?

Little Johnny said "a Bernie Sanders supporter".
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Bored Tourists

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: “The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accommodation is dreadful…”

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” their guide says. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouts. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”

“Well now,” the guide says, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”

“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone?” the woman scoffs.

“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide responds. “But I have sat on it.”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Very Depressed Man

There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.

I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
 
O

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

“Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”

The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!”

“I know!” says the old man, “I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”
 
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